There are times - increasingly frequent - when I am at a loss to know how to make sense of life. I know I am ageing and perhaps that makes a difference. For the scheme of life seems to be an endless repetition of irrelevant activities. Get up, eat breakfast, try to find enough work to pay for that breakfast - oh! and lunch and dinner as well.
It matters little what the work is - just so long as one scratches out sufficient income to pay the tyranny of demands that are the price tag of democratic capitalism.
What to do? I don’t really have a tremendous appetite for living, working earning. Does that make me a reprobate or worse? Suffice to say I do work, many more hours than many of those I know yet such investment of hours produces little financial return. Perhaps I am simply inept, stupid and naive. Yet I don’t think I am alone.
I am not that interested in becoming a waiter, bank clerk or company executive. Simply on the basis that I have little commitment to what such businesses deliver. The only purpose would be to keep me in coin so I can maintain the drudgery of the endless plight of humanity; awake, eat commute, work, earn, return home, eat, watch pointless TV & then sleep to generate sufficient strength to do it all again.
My love for God is increasingly insufficient to enable me to find the will power to care enough to bother any longer. I am lost in this perennial tedium. Even stating it so baldly causes me to feel somewhat ungrateful - so be it. It is what it is and I am tired of manufacturing energy and excitement.
Life is dreary - the outcome of very many decisions and, in my case, I can only conclude bad decisions. Well here is the challenge: to discover God in these collapsing inner recesses of my own diseased mind. May God have mercy - I know of no-one else to turn towards.
