The Challenge
It's a challenge each Christmas. My aged mum comes which is fun. However, I miss the opportunity for real celebration a larger family gathering would offer. Neither of my siblings, no doubt for excellent reasons, appear to want to enjoy an extended family gathering.
Over the years this has made me sad. Yet I am slowly seeking to come to terms with it. My preference is after all only my preference. As a mediator I of all people recognise that there is always 'another story'! My perception is neither the only one nor the right one. I am curious in a contrsuctive way as to my sister's and brother's perceptions.
Heavy Hearted
Of course reacognising the intellectual validity is not the same as addressing the emotions associated with the situation. These emotions can lead to paranoid thoughts that my natural family all hate me through to sub personality 'Mr Angry' getting into a mood and yelling. Such yelling is entirely inconsequential, unless you are in the way of it, but does feel good at the time.
Learning to sit with the heavy heart and refuse to give voice to the disappointment is a skill I am slowly learning to master. After all is it really a family festival? Or is it not an opportunity to take stock and give thanks for the many good experiences in life and show love to others?
Managing the Disappointment
This year I have found that to sit quietly with the weight of the disappointment has been a good way to manage my own personal pain. Only one brief outburst on Christmas Day - but this has been so much better than before. So what made the difference?
1) Be Prepared. I know what Christmas does. I also know that neither of my siblings will initiate any conversation about Christmas and just hope it will be managed as it has been every year before. If I am ready to accept this state of affairs, I know what to expect and therefore have no reason to react negatively to the situation. I can be prepared for the situation and my emotional responses.
2) Address the Perception. In response to my feelings and perception, I decided this year to write a brief handwritten letter to both my sister and brother expressing the fact that we had not spent any meaningful time together since we all flew the family nest 4 decades ago. Forty years of no real interaction is not going to be overcome in an instant. This is a pattern of behaviour for which we all have to accept equal responsibility. I made the offer to meet up and build friendship. However, I also gave a way out by saying I was cool if that was not what either of them wanted. I had to be sure that I would be cool before I conveyed that message to them.
3) Imagine the future. I looked at the worst outcome and then imagined myself on a quayside as two ocean going liners set sail for distant countries. On one was my sister on the other my brother. I waved them goodbye recognising that they were emigrating and that communication and meeting will therefore prove difficult. I turned and walked away from the quayside with a deep sadness yet knowing that any future contact, however meagre, will be valuable in itself. I was able to keep my love for both of them alive and accept the minimal contact as sufficient.
4) Managing forward. Of course imagining the worst case and living in the reality of such a scenario are different from each other. I therefore began a process of revisiting that quayside image, of verbally expressing gratitude for the pieces of news and communication I do receive, most often from mum herself, whilst also accepting that once mum passes it is likely communication and contact will diminish still further.
Living now
Emerging from Christmas many may find they journey into the New Year with disappointments. I am now 'managing forward' in the strength of what I have imagined - which is the worst scenario - so it might improve! However, the improvement will happen in real time and not in the dark recesses of my diseased mind! I am fortunate since I have over the last few years discovered so much as a contemplative follower of Jesus. This has provided critical skills to help live in the midst of the pain experiencing the comfort of the Beloved. This last may not be where you are, and no problems.
Each of us must progress through life and at times we must make the effort to lay aside that which robs us, even though it presents itself as an ideal solution if only we could pull it off. The issue, however, is that we have not pulled it off, and after many unsuccessful attempts there comes a time to say we will respond but can no longer either dream or initiate.
