Following my first week long silent retreat, I knew that I was required to be silent. Hence no blogs for a while. The silent - or directed - retreat took place at the Carmelite Friary in Aylesford in Kent. The retreat was directed in as far as I had up to 30 minutes available with a spiritual director each morning.
This was a wonderful time in which I could chat about what God was talking through with me. My director, a delightful lady, listened, asked questions and placed some useful resources in my hands. As for the rest of the time it was in silence, including meal times. I found it enriching and deeply engaging. I captured the experience as best I could in my journal. I had arrived with an agenda based around what I describe as the fourth chapter of my life. This may sound strange so allow me to enlighten you.
Chapter One was my childhood and education - happy memories soaked in sunshine as though it never rained. Chapter Two was conversion and christian service, a time of great opportunity, fun and remarkable successes. Chapter Three saw me thrust into the role of conflicted carer as I sought to find the means and the grace to care for my wife Katey as she battled her MS. This paralysing disease eventually demanded her life in 2008. And so to the present - Chapter Four entitled ‘Disconnected and Confused’! Here I had stumbled and ground to a halt - writer’s block - not knowing how to fill the first page of this new chapter. Various attempts such as revisiting the substance and acquaintances from Chapter Two had failed to ‘re-launch’ my life. Here was my diet for a week of silence.
Significantly God had his own intentions for our week together. Notably, whilst retainng my agenda inviting me to look at it through a different set of lenses. The struggles I had been experiencing in seeking to resume my past life were cut away from me. I was invited by the Spirit to consider who I had become through the rough and tumble of the previous years, more especially chapter three. I was freed to once more gaze at and embrace the original calling I had experienced when at Oxford and upon first finding God. This was energising and my whole being relaxed. The call to Christian service was restated and reinforced.
The vehicle I had travelled in and somehow either tumbled or been tipped out of - evangelicalism - could be safely abandoned. My purpose and my call remained intact. My God still beckoned me forward. I might choose the vehicle for the future to realise all God had invested into me. Hence upon returning home I embraced a further period of silence and reflection to better clarify all my Beloved had entrusted to me. I am the richer for that time and shall again begin to write. However, write from a fresh, if not a new place.
I am grateful for the road I have travelled, and those who proved to be companions along the way. However, my road has now branched off and I will explore alone or until joined by fresh companions for this next chapter. I shall continue to explore Formation and share all I see, feel and discover with fellow pilgrims in search of the heart of God and willing to build the solidarity that is at the heart of all true Christian community. This feels good, if challenging. I also feel alone yet at peace within, secure in the knowledge of God’s call and confident that as I have found grace sufficient for Chapters 1 through 3, there will be sufficient grace for the whole of Chapter 4 as it unfolds.
I have no need of tomorrow’s grace, today!
