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Recovery Road

Turning Again is a guest blog by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove dealing with Recovery Road. His community in Durham, North Carolina, USA, works to explore alternative approaches to pursuing the Kingdom Dream, offering hope and opportunity to bewildered and burnt out people.

'On the wall of a recovery community that I knew well a decade ago, there hung a sign that I haven't been able to get off my mind lately. It said in simple, bold letters:

My recovery is not complete until I help to heal the society that made me sick.

In so many ways, School for Conversion is an extended recovery community. The turning that we try to foster is a conversion of our whole lives from the death-dealing patterns of addiction, abuse, and neglect to the daily rhythms of beloved community. Whether it's neighbourhood youth work, classes in prisons, or seminars on new monastic community, all of us are doing what we're doing because we know that we need to be healed.

Maybe you could say that everyone's primary motivation here is selfish. Our kids want to do well in school. Our coaches want to do something meaningful with their lives. Students from inside the prison love a place where they feel like human beings. Students from outside love a context where ideas come to life. The professors tell us they keep coming back because they want to be here.

We're each doing what we're doing because we know it's what we need.

But what we're doing is about more than our own needs. Brittany helps me remember that. A young woman who grew up in Durham, Brittany has struggled to find work and make a life for herself in this, her hometown. A recent report on our city says that, over the past eight years, 150,000 new jobs have come to Durham--a majority of them entry-level, well paying jobs. But almost none of these jobs have gone to people like Brittany. Unemployment among those under 29 has gone up, if fact, during this time of unprecedented economic growth.

Brittany came with us on our 21st Century Freedom Ride last month. She listened to stories from the Civil Rights movement and met peers from today's undocumented youth movement who have been experimenting in nonviolent social change. "If my struggle with finding a job is not limited to me," Brittany said after we got back, "then this means that someone else is having the same struggle as I am.... I do have the power to make a difference if I stand up for what I believe in and put in the time and effort to make change possible."

Brittany is learning that her recovery from this broken system will never be complete until she helps to heal this society that has made so many of us sick.

What's more, she's helping me to see that this is the work we're called to--not only creating spaces for people to heal, but also empowering those who've experienced the transforming power of love to make a difference in their own communities.

It's why, right here in the neighbourhood, we've joined a coalition to establish a Neighbourhood Safety Council whose mission is to reduce racial profiling. And it's why, with other youth organisations in the city, we're helping to establish a Durham Youth Council to organise for jobs.

At the end of the day, we’re convinced that the turning we each need as individuals is the conversion that our systems and institutions need, too. In the end, our whole world must be born again. But the only way to get there is the way of love--a way that insists that none of us is healed until all of us are healed.

Which is why I can't forget that sign: "My recovery isn't complete until I help the society that made me sick to heal." Indeed.

Thanks for continuing to walk with us on this road to recovery,

Jonathan' 

Spiritual Direction

LEARNING

Well I am now on the final furlong in my journey of training as a Spiritual Director. I am enjoying a diverse group of women and men learning at the feet of the Franciscans in Canterbury. The last year has been tremendouse in terms of growing still further in self knowledge and in appreciating the way of the contemplative in our fast paced society.

One thing I have committed to do throughout the course is to approach it from a non academic perspective. Hence my assignments have been attempts to steer away from well constructed, cerebral essays and have included images, poems and deeply felt personal reflections. This has presented its challenges both for me as the author of my own reflective journey and for my tutor seeking to make sense of such submissions.

LISTENING

The course has been well structured for me - vaguely chaotic and lacking the normal intensity and seriousness of most learning courses I have participated on. I love the uncertainty that surrounds programme content combined with the scintillating insights of the various contributors, especially brother Peter.

He takes his stool, not a note to hand and then paints a picture from familiar scriptures that convey you to the very feet of Jesus. Much food is left for reflection - it is like leaving the feeding of the five thousand; fully nourished and with a doggy bag to boot!

LIVING

Now the adventure begins as I stretch my wings and begin work as a Spiritual Director. Accompanying people on their walk with God is wonderful. I am myself surprised by just how beneficial it has proved to me having access to a director. I came to this later in life, yet recognise just how valuable it would have been in earlier, and very troubled years.

The word Director does seem to put some people off. Yet really it is a companion on the journey, a listener. There is little actual direction a such. Rather a conversation, someone who draws out the strabnds of sprituality highlighted by God's spirit. And all of this rooted richly and deeply in God's word.

So another step on my contemplative journey is soon to be completed and I feel well made up. It will be a complete joy to meet and walk with those whos heart is always to journey deeper into God's heart. 

Follow my leader!

In a week in which government ministers have sought to ‘advise’ us, their electorate, about how we ‘ought’ to organise our lives in the purchase of petrol, we had all discovered that election to state office is not synonymous with the exercise of leadership.

I wonder what Frances Maude, or indeed the PM himself, was thinking when they advised the great general public constantly to top up our petrol tanks and the gathering and filling of various storage receptacles. Unconfirmed reports suggested some members of the general public were utilising jam jars! Can that be true or simply a press stunt? We have lost confidence in relying on the press as a source of uncontested truth.

On ‘Question Time’, the eloquent Simon Jenkins reflected how once he heard a government minister advising the public not to panic, he concluded now was indeed the time to panic and went to fill his car up ahead of a busy family weekend. 

Challenged by a minister over the government’s responsibility to give leadership, he did point out that a strike, although approved by ballot, had not been called, required seven days notice and both UNITE and the employers had accepted ACAS’ offer to facilitate further negotiations. His point, well made, was that the public can read the signs and recognise when they needed to respond to a crisis, rather than be driven by one of the government’s own making.

I wonder what it says about this country that we seem to prefer to submit all decision making to someone else? Are we unable to take responsibility for taking decisions for ourselves? Obviously we then need to accept responsibility for the outcome, good or bad. I wonder if dependence upon what has been an ever expanding welfare state has removed from individual consciousness that responsible decision taking for my life lays with me. 

This reluctance, whilst in part a product of the framework which establishes care from cradle to grave, is also fuelled by the rapid rise in a litigious mindset that wants to blame someone else for what happens to me. Life’s a bitch and all that!

The Contemplative Network is birthed in part in response to such a background. The Christian faith has fallen foul of the same disease. Congregations subcontracting leadership to a few platformed figures, preferring to drop coins into the collection than find the way to take personal spiritual responsibility. Such responsibility once exercised then produces ‘grassroots’ leadership that can transform local neighbourhoods and whole communities.

The success of George Galloway in Bradford illustrates a general electoral malaise. Those presenting themselves as leaders are out of touch and fail to communicate with those they claim to represent. An increasing number of these have failed to vote due to disillusion and loss of faith in the democratic process - this is a worrying trend.

However, if Contemplative Activists will find God on the one hand up the mountain and then return to provide compassionate leadership within their valley communities, then I like to believe the social fabric of this country can be transformed for the better.

 

How about you?

 

 

Seven Acts of Mercy

The Contemplative Network seeks to motivate and mobilise followers of Jesus to be “Rich in Mercy” (Ephesians 2:4). Here is a great guest blog from Marcellino D'Ambrosio, Ph.D.

A God of Mercy

The first members of the human race had renounced their freedom and dignity as sons and daughters of God and had fallen into bondage to a tyrannical master.  Suffering and death were the fruit of this slavery. The price to redeem themselves from this miserable situation was beyond their means.  So in bondage they stayed, forging heavier chains for themselves with every passing generation.Until, that is, the God of Justice manifested Himself as the Father of Mercy.  Justice renders to each their due and calls each to assume responsibility for themselves.  Mercy goes beyond the issues of who is responsible.  Mercy is simply love’s response to suffering.  

So the Father of Mercy, to relieve our suffering, sent his Eternal Son to be made flesh by the power of the Holy Spirit.  God the Son, by nature incapable of suffering, became vulnerable for us.  He bound the strong man who had tyrannized the human race and paid the debt that the human race hadn’t been able to cover. His rescue mission succeeded at the cost of his life. The one who once gave himself in mercy to relieve our suffering continues to give himself to us, holding nothing back, in the sacrament of divine mercy.

So as we participate in the communion meal we become what we eat and become more perfect in that divine love that we call charity.  Mercy is just what charity does when it encounters suffering. The Eucharist, then cannot exist in isolation from life.  It is the liturgical commemoration of a Work of Mercy that is designed to issue in works of mercy.  Thus mercy is essential to the life of every member of the Church until evil and suffering are no more.  St James reminds us that Christianity that responds to suffering with no more than kind words and tender sentiments is neither true love nor even authentic faith: “If a brother or sister is ill-clad and in lack of daily food, and one o f you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what does it profit?”(James 2:14-17)

Seven Keys to Know about Mercy

Some things to keep in mind about the work mercy in the Church:

1) Mercy is for everyone.    One of the greatest misconceptions of my early years as a Catholic was that Catholicism is a two-track system.  Lay people just need to worry about keeping the precepts of the church and the Ten Commandments.   The Sermon on the Mount and real holiness is the territory of those called to priesthood and religious life.  Knowing that this misconception was pervasive, the Second Vatican Council affirmed in its Dogmatic Constitution on the Church that the call to true holiness is absolutely universal (Lumen Gentium Chap V).  And holiness means love, and love means mercy.  Therefore, works of mercy can’t just be relegated to those who belong to the social justice committee or the Missionaries of Charity. Everyone, without exception, is called to the work of mercy.

2) Mercy relieves suffering.    and there are different kinds of suffering.  I once heard a Catholic in France offer a striking petition in the prayer of the Faithful: “let us pray for all those suffering from the pain of not knowing the love of God.”  The lack of bodily necessities certainly causes great distress. But so does lack of the things of the spirit.  It is important to keep in mind that the Church enumerates not only corporal works of mercy but spiritual works of mercy as well, and that the latter actually have a certain preeminence.  Perhaps not all are quite ready to instruct the ignorant or admonish sinners.  But at least one of the spiritual works of mercy is something that virtually all of us can do, regardless of our location or state of health: interceding.  Indeed this is the work of mercy performed by the glorified saints in heaven.

3) Charity begins at Home.   Mother Teresa of Calcutta, was often approached by people who were moved to want to share in her apostolate to the poorest of the poor.  Her advice was often “go home and love your own family”.  If we open our eyes there are people all around us who are lonely, sick, overworked, and troubled.   They very much need our compassion and attention.  This is where we must start.  “If any one does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his own family, he has disowned the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (I Tim 5:8).

4) Charity can’t end at Home.   The story of the Good Samaritan is striking for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that the hero of the story has no natural bond with the victim.  Jews and Samaritans actually had great antipathy for each other.  So we can’t restrict our works of mercy to family, friends, and those who belong to our Church or political party.  As Jesus tells us in the Sermon on the Mount, our works of mercy must extend even to our enemies.

5) Mercy is not always Convenient.  There are times that works of mercy can be planned and fit in an orderly way into our schedule.  But suffering and crisis are often unpredictable.  And responding to them can often be very inconvenient.  The Good Samaritan took a lot of time and went through no small expense to make sure the victim in the story was provided for.  He was probably late for an appointment as a result.

6) Charity is not the same as Social Work.  While people often refer to anything that benefits the disadvantaged as “charity,” the word actually means divine, supernatural love.  It is action that springs from the love of God which has been poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit (Rom 5:5) and must involve not just giving things but giving of ourselves.  We must see God’s image and likeness in the person that benefits from our act and love that person for God’s sake.  There is nothing wrong with making a year-end charitable gift, but if this is to be a true work of mercy, the motivation must be deeper than the wish for a tax write-off.  For St. Francis and Mother Teresa, serving the poorest of the poor was serving Jesus Himself (Mat 25:34ff).  The work of mercy can and should be a deeply spiritual encounter.

7) Mercy is Never Condescending.  The goal of the Ancient Enemy of mankind is to use suffering to rob those made in God’s image of their human dignity.  Our goal in the work of mercy is always to restore that dignity and honor it.  “Charity” that belittles the recipient is never true mercy.  It may relieve some bodily suffering but only causes a deeper suffering of alienation and humiliation.  The Divine Word emptied himself of glory and stood shoulder to shoulder with us.  The one giving mercy cannot look down on the recipient of mercy.  In fact the merciful humbly understand that they always receive as much or more as they give when they work to alleviate the suffering of the needy.

Marcellino D'Ambrosio, Ph.D.

In search of Courage

I am one of those few people who has never seen the movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’. However, I believe the cowardly lion discovers courage and no doubt lives forever differently.

TV I do watch, and an endless stream of 60 minute dramas that aid R&R of an evening - or a leisurely saturday morning with a suitable ‘big’ breakfast. All part of the Friary rhythm! This morning I caught an episode of ‘Law & Order’ dealing with rape. The story revolved on two points; one the difficulty in proving rape from the victim’s perspective. The other the way in which truth has continually to be wrestled into the open as the deceits behind which it seeks to hide are exposed for the distractions and lies that they are.

The Lie

One breaking news story of this weekend is the possible deceits of Chris Huhne MP and his former wife Ms Pryce over charges that they colluded to pervert the course of justice - a serious crime in Common Law that carries the maximum penalty of life imprisonment.

The allegations date back to 2003 and only in 2012 have sufficient distortions, deceits and lies been exposed to enable the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) to determine that there are sufficient grounds to bring criminal charges.

The Garden

These thoughts carry be back to the garden where a man and a women sought to disguise their nakedness and indeed their presence from Divine authority. 

When both disguise and concealment failed to protect them, the man began the blame game and pointed to everyone else but himself as the reason for the act of wrong doing - off limits scrumping to be precise.

Now I do not know what a short, simple statement of honesty when caught might have produced. However, we do observe an attempt to create a tangled web of deceit. This quickly led to lifelong exclusion from the garden - a life sentence if ever there was one. Bad news since, as Joni Mitchell reminded us in idealistic innocence, ‘We’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden’. Best of luck with that!

The Consequence

So excluded for a life time - and life time was generations of waiting until a Truth teller arrived in town and a steep and narrow pathway was created back towards the garden. Problem being the price of traveling on this pathway created through blood, sweat and tears, was a commitment to follow the Truth teller in simply telling the truth.

I, like many, find this hard. My childhood and teenage years exposed me both to being lied to and then to developing an acute sense of exercising an economy of language when expressing A truth as if it were THE truth. 

Difficulties emerged when I began to walk on this crafted Truth teller’s way, initially often slipping off and having to painfully recover the path. Realising that society at large was more familiar with the economy truth game than the real truth game. This latter seen as both a fool’s errand and damaging in that it created a moral dilemma for the one hearing my Truth - a dilemma they preferred not to engage with. So I then became their problem since I created the moral dilemma!

The Conclusion

Well I have now become very familiar with the way of Truth and like it. Often I find I will be walking alone, and the climb is steep and challenging. The path however has stunning vistas and I can observe those moments where truth economy might well have secured me an apparently more comfortable path, if not a place to lay my head in comfort for a while. Yet the Truth teller does not seem that committed to resting and so neither am I. 

Can’t help wondering what truth telling might actually do to rebuilding faith and trust in each other and so stimulate both national morality, economic growth and international reputation. 

 

Realising the Good Within

Delusional Transformation
Surfing the internet I have been powerfully impacted. Not by the internet or its informational overload but by the appeals to human insecurity. The number of carefully crafted websites selling me skills that will somehow both enhance my self esteem and my financial opportunities are endless. Oh! I can also sign up for regular email encouragements and ‘inner secrets’.

Now I am not against marketing and actually accompany individuals on their journey of spiritual realisation as well as coach women and men in delivering more competently, comfortably and effectively. I present myself as a Whole Life Therapist, for that is who I am. I am also a Friar of the Franciscan brand. 

The Power of One
Yet we must remember that every individual deserves to be enabled to know themselves and live from within, otherwise they become dependent upon others, can only deliver ‘models’ that offer hope but are in fact no more than mere plastic imitations of anything real, and generally feed the false self that is nourished within each one of us from birth.

When the rich young ruler approached Jesus and greeted him as, ‘Good teacher’, he was no doubt following the formula taught him at a recent ‘Maximising your Personal Impact’ seminar. Call the Master ‘Good’ and so appeal to his ego in such a way that he will instinctively be drawn to you. This, the rich young ruler has been taught, will ‘add value’ to the relational space he might fill within Jesus’ missional responsibility. Obviously Jesus needs his wealth because what can be achieved without money? Therefore he needs to secure a relational in and manufacture a business win!

Who Am I?
Of course Jesus having wrestled the false ego most successfully in the wilderness when assaulted three times by the Enemy, is comfortable in who he is and free from desires for personal wealth accumulation, personal power or public position. He knows it is enough to simply do what Dad tells him!

So Jesus responds with a question. ‘Why do you call me good? No-one is good but God alone’. An unusual response but an accurate recognition that the human heart is perpetually deceived and deceiving, hence it is difficult to establish integrity - a question that I wrestled with as I visited site after site offering to enhance my personal appeal, add value to my offer and ultimately enhance my business and personal bank account.

Sadly for the rich young ruler, Jesus was not in the business of managing and promoting www.Jesus.com. He was not promoting himself, a series of life changing products and his own carefully branded and niche heavenly services. No! He was doing something most unfashionable today; he was speaking the Truth! 

Achieving Personal Security
This the rich young ruler learnt at the cost of his own eternal security. He may well have had sufficient income, investments and bonuses to secure a comfortable conclusion to his mortal life on earth. Sadly, however, he had no stake beyond the grave as he had failed to appreciate how he might invest in that future dimension of his life and had nothing set aside against immortality.

Jesus was unimpressed with the rich young ruler’s religiosity - ‘But I am a benedictine Oblate, I attend Retreats, I have been on a pilgrimage to Assisi, I engage daily with centring prayer, I am kind to people and animals’. 

Jesus responds, “Go, get rid of all that junk that is your current life, the wealth you have generated and this dangerous ego reinforcement strategy, and then Follow Me”.

All too much for the rich young ruler who left sorrowful - but probably a sort of sorrowful that was all about him - his self pity - and not a lot about the failure to be able to respond to Jesus’ challenge.

Faith, Trust & Friendship
This challenge of Jesus is an appeal to faith and trust - in as far as we trust Jesus we will live at ease and at peace within the world. We may not have a lot to show financially yet we will offer a tremendous amount emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. For the majority of people who attend any or all of these sparkling seminars, life changes very little. However, their bank accounts are seriously emptied. It is faith filled people they need to find to truly turn their lives around.

Friendship is not a commodity it is a gift; one which each of us has. Friendship is not for personal advancement but for mutual encouragement. There is in fact a dearth of friendship today - in part because we are all captivated by the race for financial security. 

The Way Ahead
Instead of looking outside ourselves for our success, it lies in fact within us. It is a seed - the Godseed - planted by the Divine hand at conception. Our task is to follow Jesus and travel beyond the false self to discover the true self and live out of that reality. Then we will enjoy peace and self confidence and an ability to contribute. The search for self realisation will end as we discover who we were always created to be and walk ever deeper into Christlikeness. This is the true richness Jesus offers to each and everyone of us.

Where are you?

This is the all important question raised by God in serach of his first human companions. However, this couple had tasted a fresh fruit - that of self realisation - and now discovered for themselves self consciousness. First consequence - covering up their embarrassing nakedness.

Years of walking away from the garden has left us lost in selves of our own creation, aided and abetted throughthe various stages of our upbringing by family, peers, church etc. The invitation and the challenge is to stop, take stock and seek to delve into the unconscious to discover our true selves.

TRUE SELF/FALSE SELF

This is not an easy option. Just recognising that there is a false self in no way delivers me from its clutches and control. I have simply rationally and intellectually acknowledged its reality. A change in my informational database is no sign or symbol of any meaningful change in who I am or how I am able to live in the world.

Hence I can rage against the tension I experience in seeking to live in a dynamic transactional world, where my ability to live and survive is directly related to the transactional relationships I successfully generate. If I don't care to play that game, no problem I will sink and disappear - the outcome will most likely be both ugly and painful.

THE CONTEMPLATIVE WAY

However, if I recognise that I am invited to partner the Divine in a discovery - or rediscovery - of my true self, happiness will be my reward. I certainly believe this, yet recognise it is no easy equation. It requires a commitment from me to journey faithfully as a contemplative, and that self discovery in the realm of my unconscious will present some challenging questions to my conscious acceptance of myself. There will of course be the emotional turmoil that such a journey creates in its wake!

Yet I am now about ready, after ten years of preparatory work, to say yes to the invitation to embrace the contemplative life. I do so feeling all the angst and fury that daily life causes to rise within me, yet accepting that the regular rhythm of pursuing God in solitude and silence will mature me in ways that have as yet eluded me.

 

Where are you?

This is the all important question raised by God in serach of his first human companions. However, this couple had tasted a fresh fruit - that of self realisation - and now discovered for themselves self consciousness. First consequence - covering up their embarrassing nakedness.

Years of walking away from the garden has left us lost in selves of our own creation, aided and abetted throughthe various stages of our upbringing by family, peers, church etc. The invitation and the challenge is to stop, take stock and seek to delve into the unconscious to discover our true selves.

TRUE SELF/FALSE SELF

This is not an easy option. Just recognising that there is a false self in no way delivers me from its clutches and control. I have simply rationally and intellectually acknowledged its reality. A change in my informational database is no sign or symbol of any meaningful change in who I am or how I am able to live in the world.

Hence I can rage against the tension I experience in seeking to live in a dynamic transactional world, where my ability to live and survive is directly related to the transactional relationships I successfully generate. If I don't care to play that game, no problem I will sink and disappear - the outcome will most likely be both ugly and painful.

THE CONTEMPLATIVE WAY

However, if I recognise that I am invited to partner the Divine in a discovery - or rediscovery - of my true self, happiness will be my reward. I certainly believe this, yet recognise it is no easy equation. It requires a commitment from me to journey faithfully as a contemplative, and that self discovery in the realm of my unconscious will present some challenging questions to my conscious acceptance of myself. There will of course be the emotional turmoil that such a journey creates in its wake!

Yet I am now about ready, after ten years of preparatory work, to say yes to the invitation to embrace the contemplative life. I do so feeling all the angst and fury that daily life causes to rise within me, yet accepting that the regular rhythm of pursuing God in solitude and silence will mature me in ways that have as yet eluded me.

 

Where in the World?

There are times - increasingly frequent - when I am at a loss to know how to make sense of life. I know I am ageing and perhaps that makes a difference. For the scheme of life seems to be an endless repetition of irrelevant activities. Get up, eat breakfast, try to find enough work to pay for that breakfast - oh! and lunch and dinner as well.

 It matters little what the work is - just so long as one scratches out sufficient income to pay the tyranny of demands that are the price tag of democratic capitalism. 

 What to do? I don’t really have a tremendous appetite for living, working earning. Does that make me a reprobate or worse? Suffice to say I do work, many more hours than many of those I know yet such investment of hours produces little financial return. Perhaps I am simply inept, stupid and naive. Yet I don’t think I am alone.

 I am not that interested in becoming a waiter, bank clerk or company executive. Simply on the basis that I have little commitment to what such businesses deliver. The only purpose would be to keep me in coin so I can maintain the drudgery of the endless plight of humanity; awake, eat commute, work, earn, return home, eat, watch pointless TV & then sleep to generate sufficient strength to do it all again.

 My love for God is increasingly insufficient to enable me to find the will power to care enough to bother any longer. I am lost in this perennial tedium. Even stating it so baldly causes me to feel somewhat ungrateful - so be it. It is what it is and I am tired of manufacturing energy and excitement.

 Life is dreary - the outcome of very many decisions and, in my case, I can only conclude bad decisions. Well here is the challenge: to discover God in these collapsing inner recesses of my own diseased mind. May God have mercy - I know of no-one else to turn towards.

 

Family Christmas

The Challenge

It's a challenge each Christmas. My aged mum comes which is fun. However, I miss the opportunity for real celebration a larger family gathering would offer. Neither of my siblings, no doubt for excellent reasons, appear to want to enjoy an extended family gathering.

Over the years this has made me sad. Yet I am slowly seeking to come to terms with it. My preference is after all only my preference. As a mediator I of all people recognise that there is always 'another story'! My perception is neither the only one nor the right one. I am curious in a contrsuctive way as to my sister's and brother's perceptions.

Heavy Hearted

Of course reacognising the intellectual validity is not the same as addressing the emotions associated with the situation. These emotions can lead to paranoid thoughts that my natural family all hate me through to sub personality 'Mr Angry' getting into a mood and yelling. Such yelling is entirely inconsequential, unless you are in the way of it, but does feel good at the time.

Learning to sit with the heavy heart and refuse to give voice to the disappointment is a skill I am slowly learning to master. After all is it really a family festival? Or is it not an opportunity to take stock and give thanks for the many good experiences in life and show love to others? 

Managing the Disappointment

This year I have found that to sit quietly with the weight of the disappointment has been a good way to manage my own personal pain. Only one brief outburst on Christmas Day - but this has been so much better than before. So what made the difference?

1) Be Prepared. I know what Christmas does. I also know that neither of my siblings will initiate any conversation about Christmas and just hope it will be managed as it has been every year before. If I am ready to accept this state of affairs, I know what to expect and therefore have no reason to react negatively to the situation. I can be prepared for the situation and my emotional responses.

2) Address the Perception. In response to my feelings and perception, I decided this year to write a brief handwritten letter to both my sister and brother expressing the fact that we had not spent any meaningful time together since we all flew the family nest 4 decades ago. Forty years of no real interaction is not going to be overcome in an instant. This is a pattern of behaviour for which we all have to accept equal responsibility. I made the offer to meet up and build friendship. However, I also gave a way out by saying I was cool if that was not what either of them wanted. I had to be sure that I would be cool before I conveyed that message to them. 

3) Imagine the future. I looked at the worst outcome and then imagined myself on a quayside as two ocean going liners set sail for distant countries. On one was my sister on the other my brother. I waved them goodbye recognising that they were emigrating and that communication and meeting will therefore prove difficult. I turned and walked away from the quayside with a deep sadness yet knowing that any future contact, however meagre, will be valuable in itself. I was able to keep my love for both of them alive and accept the minimal contact as sufficient.

4) Managing forward. Of course imagining the worst case and living in the reality of such a scenario are different from each other. I therefore began a process of revisiting that quayside image, of verbally expressing gratitude for the pieces of news and communication I do receive, most often from mum herself, whilst also accepting that once mum passes it is likely communication and contact will diminish still further. 

Living now

Emerging from Christmas many may find they journey into the New Year with disappointments. I am now 'managing forward' in the strength of what I have imagined - which is the worst scenario - so it might improve! However, the improvement will happen in real time and not in the dark recesses of my diseased mind! I am fortunate since I have over the last few years discovered so much as a contemplative follower of Jesus. This has provided critical skills to help live in the midst of the pain experiencing the comfort of the Beloved. This last may not be where you are, and no problems.

Each of us must progress through life and at times we must make the effort to lay aside that which robs us, even though it presents itself as an ideal solution if only we could pull it off. The issue, however, is that we have not pulled it off, and after many unsuccessful attempts there comes a time to say we will respond but can no longer either dream or initiate.